Judgement free...

I've been going to the gym alot lately. Mostly, it's an escape and the feeling you get after you exercise... even though at the time it's not so pleasant. It's a high.
I generally escape to the circuit in the corner. Yesterday I was staring into space... as I quite often do! I noticed a sign up on the wall.

"we are a judgement free health club"

My mind went off in all sorts of tangents. Judgement free.... hmmm. Is anyone EVER REALLY judgement free??? No way!!! The second we meet someone we scan, we assess, we judge.

It made me reflect back to work. What is the background of a teacher? Are teachers all the same? Do we all think the same? Teach the same? Heh. I've been teaching such a short amount of time and I already know the answer to that. Hellz no we don't!!!

I've been questioning my career choice. I know... already!!! And why is that you might ask. It's easy. I don't feel like I fit in. This has me thinking about what it is I am supposed to fit into. Today, I share my background.

Briefly. I was born in Campsie. My mum was a cleaner who cleaned hotel rooms in Kings Cross, my dad an electrical mechanical engineer in the army. We lived in Liverpool and Holsworthy for a while... then my parents split up when I was 5. I had a step father, whom I hated from the second I met him. I never grew a liking to him and when he left when I was 15 I was elated. I haven't seen him since.
My dad. I adore! I wish there was something I could do that would make his life the happiest he could imagine. He's happy I think. I love him to bits and would do anything for him.

Now to the nitty gritty stuff.

My mum. It is from her side of the family that I inherit Aboriginality. In the photo (Day of mourning 1938), the tall man up the back left is either my great grandfather or great uncle. Growing up in an Aboriginal family... well it has its challenges. My family is very much extended the house was always full... of cousins etc. How many people do you know live in a 2 bedroom house with around 8 people? I know what you're thinking... alcohol, domestic violence, drugs, social security... the list goes on right? Yea, it was there in abundance. I lived it, and I still see it.

My aunty and mother, they were taken away from their family when they were 6 and 8 respectively. They grew up in an institution. Imagine that for a second. Growing up in that environment. No bedtime stories. No cuddles. Their identity was hidden because it was looked at as shameful. See, I was a very confused little girl growing up because my mum told everyone she was Maori... it wasn't until I was much older she embraced her identity. I didn't catch on so quickly, it wasn't until I went to university and learnt about the history of Aboriginal people and why my 'story' was actually rather 'common' in regards to Aboriginal perspective.
Oh, about that. University. It seems I am the black sheep in my family. No one else in my family, cousins included, has finished high school let alone uni. I didn't have to go to uni, I had a full time job, 5 kids, married etc... here is why I decided to become a teacher.

One day I was driving home from work, I saw my cousin walking on the side of the road. It was a ridicilously hot day, I pulled over to give him a lift. I asked him where he'd been etc... he'd been working and was on the way home. I asked him why he didn't catch a bus. His response was 'I can't read the bus timetable' ...
I was stunned. There, sitting beside me was my 20 something year old cousin. An Aboriginal man, who couldn't read a timetable. Surely that is a basic skill everyone learns??? Oh yea, but you have to go to school to learnt that kind of stuff. Did you know... schools aren't a very welcoming place for many Aboriginal people??? There is alot of history that is passed down. It's not forgotten and the stigma is still there. My quest to become a teacher began.

Now i'm there and it is not exactly all smooth sailing. I'm thinking it would have been easier to stay scanning and packing as a checkout chick. I am questioning my life goals. It seems everything I had planned is falling apart. For example, my last post... regarding being besotted and in love! OVER. And I still don't know why.

My work situation. Let's just say there are actions people make that create a feeling of exclusion. It's exactly the same thing that happens in the playground at school. I remember when I was 5 and in kindergarten, there was a girl named Lucy who wouldn't play with me if I turned up at school with milk still on my face from breakfast. I was paranoid about making sure my face was clean every morning, and she'd inspect me to see if I was 'worthy' when we lined up every morning. I remember my mum telling me that Lucy was being horrible, and if she was a proper friend she would play with me anyway. Milky face or not!!! This is my dilemma. I had it in my head that it was expected that work people would be 'friends'. That has proven incorrect in many cases as there are still 'Lucy's' around even as adults... I have discovered there is judgement. I don't fit the criteria. Maybe I should go to work with milk all over my face???

It is a teachers job to teach tolerance, understanding, and acceptance of differences. To teach something you have to know it? This goes back to one of my old posts about why so many people didn't like school. Do the children feel judged too???

My goal in writing this. Judge less. Listen more. Look more. Think more... for yourself.